My Struggle with the Little Green Monster

My Struggle with the Little Green Monster

 

Jealousy is a form of hatred built upon insecurity. -Unknown

Growing up, I was taught the Ten Commandments; therefore, I was taught not to covet what my neighbor has, which translates to not being jealous of those around you. Back then, I had that one in the bag. I always worked really hard at being grateful and satisfied for the things that I had and I was. I didn’t wear designer clothes or drive a new car… I grew up in a middle income family – my parents always made sure we had what we needed, but we definitely didn’t live in luxury, but this ingrained a sense of pride in what I did have and caused me to take pride in what I had. I don’t regret that for a second.

I feel that my struggle with jealousy began when I went to college. My issue isn’t with material things, but rather idealistic things such as friends and relationships. I feel like I have trouble connecting with people, so I end up isolating myself and convincing myself I’m happy to be alone when really I’m super jealous of other people’s friendships. I think social media plays a big role in my struggle, because instead of seeing authentic day to day lives, I see the fake “instagram” pic parts of people’s lives and forget to remind myself that isn’t real. What frustrates me the most is that I don’t want to feel jealous. I like my life and am so proud of where I am now: married to an amazing man; a college grad with a job; saving to buy a house; the cutest happiest pets… the list goes on.

I have realized that due to my struggle with jealousy, I have started developing some shame. I dealt with shame a few years back, but managed to get passed it, but now I have shame for a whole other reason. Now I feel shame for having to try to be happy for people instead of just automatically being happy. It sickens me that I deal with this. I know deep down I’m not the only one to have a jealous thought, but I just really want to work on being genuine and my natural thought being a positive one.

The image at the top is a bit extreme, but fairly true. I don’t believe that I hate those I am jealous of nor do I hate myself due to the jealousy, but I do feel that jealousy stems from insecurity. Everyone is insecure – I believe that with my whole heart, but some are better at overcoming it and being happy and natural with who they are. One of the things I am currently working on is being comfortable in my own skin and my own personality. I think this will help me to have thoughts that stem from happiness instead of from my insecurity.